Since July

Wow, I can't believe that it has been over two months since I last sat down to update this thing. I suppose that this procrastination isn't a bad thing, considering what my priorities should be right now.

I've now been at the Berkshire Institute for Christian Studies for a month. Though it feels like I've been here forever, time has flown by. The weeks pass quickly as I go to classes, study, eat, and sleep. The first couple of weeks were rough- not so much emotionally as physically. The stress was pretty hard on my body though my mental state was pretty good. I miss my home and my family, but I am not homesick. This is a strange feeling, this growing up, and hard to explain. I want to be home with them, but I'm OK here.

The academics here are challenging- more challenging than I expected. I'm doing OK for the time being, but I occasionally have moments of extreme discouragement as I contemplate the writing ahead. I know that I will struggle with it.

Anyway, I have lots to think about. Especially self discipline and doing difficult things for the glory of God. I am so grateful, so inexpressibly blessed to have a purpose. I am not alone in the universe. There is a God who is there who has raised me from death to life and given me a hope, a purpose. The despair of rising each morning without a reason, a point is not my life. God is good. He is challenging me, and by His grace I am growing.

Change

Here I sit, attempting to pen a support letter for school. I will begin my year at The Berkshire Institute for Christian Studies on August 25th, and I need to have my finances in order. A cursory glance at my last bank statement reveals that I need help. I'm OK with that. I guess two jobs this summer and one in Lenox for the year aren't enough to get me through the year, so I am utilizing BICS's DiscipleBuilders program. Hopefully a few nice people will be willing to lend me pecuniary assistance. I wonder what my chances are for getting a job in a health food store... I could take that for a year.

The problem is that at this moment I'm not excited about going. Curious, but not really excited. Or maybe I'm excited about being there, but not about leaving home, and the latter feeling is strongly outweighing the former. Maybe I'm nervous about homework assignments, roommates, research papers, SAT's, finding a piano teacher to work with. My mind will be distracted by questions about the future. I want to take the SAT, as well as two SAT subject tests, put together a piano audition, and apply for college. What college? The one that appeals to me right now, at this moment, is a secular school in New York. I wonder if I could handle that. Maybe if I find a good church...

Uhg. I'm back. I think the letter is pretty much done. I just hope it isn't too sappy. I have a feeling it is.

Sadness

How much of this is lack of food and water, I don't know; but I'm really sad. Three of my friends graduated from high school today. Two from the island school, and one from home school. Technically my sister is graduating as well. I grew up with these kids. One of them literally rode a trike when we met him. He was so cute. Now he is nearly nineteen, has his own boat, and is headed for college. We're all headed in different directions, all points south. When will we meet again? It will never be the same. We'll have new friends, new ideas, different agendas, hectic schedules. There will be no more "common core of experience" on which to base meaningful communication. Well, that's an exaggeration, but the point is that we will no longer be experiencing things together. Getting "big kid's bikes," learning to drive, getting a first car, the throws of growing up: we did it all together. I know that one of these kids will come back to the island, but will the others? Will I?

Spring

Spring has finally arrived in Maine. The Lilacs are in bloom, the trees are green, and the pollen is doing its thing.

Spring always comes with regrets and new beginnings. Yesterday I reviewed the list of resolutions I made for the new year. They weren't so much about goals to meet but character issues to work on. I've failed in many ways. Overcome with remorse and shame, I struggled to confess my failure to God. I know that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9), but that knowledge is hard to hold onto when I am weighed down with guilt. Not only did I feel guilty about the sin, but I felt guilty because I didn't really feel as guilty as I should. There is no such thing as a "little sin," a sin that doesn't wholly break the law of God and cause Him grief. The good news is that there is no sin, once confessed that is too big for God to forgive.

As there is no sin so small, but it deserves damnation, so there is no sin so great, that it can bring damnation upon those who truly repent. -The Westminster Standards

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; m strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.
I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. -Psalm 32:1-5

Update

I finished my research paper at 2330 on Thursday night, and after a few changes, mailed it on Friday, May 4. I'm glad to have it out of the way, although I wish I'd had more time to perfect it. I think I could have written a better paper. Oh well. It was a great learning experience. Now I just have to take the final exam...

I've been convicted lately about the amount of time I spend on my computer. I don't really surf the internet, I obviously don't blog a lot, etc., but it is distracting. I haven't completed a book in forever, something that really bothers me, because I "really like to read." I got my laptop in October; before that I used the family computer. That computer was downstairs, out of sight and out of mind while I was doing school. My laptop, on the other hand, sits in front of me at my desk, constantly beckoning. I regret the time that I have doodled around on it instead of reading, doing school, practicing the piano, talking with family, etc.

It really hit home this morning when my mom suggested that I should have an internet-free day per week. I realized that I probably spend close to an hour per day on the internet, and more on my computer. Yeah, some school is on my computer, but most of it is not. What have I missed? I haven't finished War and Peace or The Roots of American Order. Worse, I don't spend as much time in God's Word as I should. My research paper wasn't as good as it should have been, largely because I wasted time on my computer while writing it. This is my last year at home, and I've spent it at my desk in front of a computer screen instead of with my little sister, who will occasionally come in and implore me to take a break. I'm tied to my email account, where people think they can get me at any time of the day, and when I'm bored, what do I do but open my laptop? That's sad.

The way I spend my time really illustrates my priorities. Right now those priorities are not what they should be.

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Addendum

As I tried to fall asleep last night, I remembered that my paper actually started out as an inquiry into Nihilism. Then I switched to Existentialism, because there is a liberal theology component. I had some sort of complicated argument that about the irrationality of it all, but I got depressed, so I switched to classical education. I wish I had been educated that way. My one consolation is that, well first of all, I have the education I have because that is the one God has blessed me with, so it must be suitable for my purpose, but if I ever have a family I'll be able to educate them classically and learn along with them. Enter free will. Anyway, all that because I felt compelled to tell the whole truth about my research project.

To one thing constant never.

Introduction

I don't have anything profound to say. I started this blog to force myself to write... anything. I'll probably be focusing on Theology for a while, because that is what I am interested in right now. But then, maybe I won't, because theology is one of those things that I can read about, think about, and talk about, but can't really write about. I know that from experience. I'm writing, or rather trying to write, a research paper. I've lost count of how many times I've changed my thesis. I started out to prove that the will of man is in bondage to sin. Martin Luther already covered that pretty extensively, so I moved on. Sticking to the same general topic, I tried total inability. Too big. On the suggestion of a wise friend, I decided to counter the heresies of Pelagius, and set out to demonstrate that faith is a gift of God, not man's contribution to his own salvation. I liked that one, and I still think I might do a paper on it some time, but I realized that I had too many threads going. There was no way I'd ever be able to pull them all together, so I gave up trying. It was too confusing to establish a warrant for the argument that there is a connection between Pelagius's moral neutrality and modern man's meritorious work of faith; I decided just to focus on his assertion: Men are morally neutral, neither good nor bad by nature. Are men basically good, morally neutral, or totally depraved? Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, this has been a bone of contention in the Christian church for centuries. It's actually rather shocking to discover that many renowned men of the faith have denied original sin, or at least the extent of it's influence. There's a lot of dirt on Charles Grandison Finney, hero of the evangelical movement. His Lectures on Systematic Theology focus more on ethics than anything else. A Presbyterian minister, he hadn't (or later claimed he hadn't) read the Westminster Confession of Faith before his ordination. Anyway, after all that, I'm writing an argumentative research paper in defense of original sin. It's due on Friday, and I changed my thesis yesterday. I've got some work to do.

Needless to say, I'm a bit of a procrastinator. And no, I'm not proud of it.