Esse quam videri

Facebook. And now the writer’s block hits me like a brick -- thick as a brick and twenty minutes long like the song by Jethro Tull. I joined facebook early in my second semester at school. I was so scared I immediately deactivated it, waiting for the repercussions. They never came; so I reactivated it, assured by my new friends that I would soon loose touch with them after graduation if I didn’t get an account and friend them (to make our relationship official). I used it some before graduating to keep up with friends and catch up with old ones. I managed to avoid drama. At home on my island it became my portal to the outside world, one through which I spent way too much time staring. I deactivated it. Three people continued to email me. Email is archaic.

Now I am contemplating another foray into the world online. I will be back at school, presumably with something to do besides stare at my screen into a world of images.

Two things besides its voracious appetite for time bother me about facebook. It allows me to project the personality I desire people to perceive, and it takes every physical sense out of communication. From my picture to my interests, I tell you who I want you to think I am. My picture tells you that I am somewhat detached, amused and rather bored by people. My profile tells you that I am adventurous, compassionate (an attribute belied by the picture), well read, and fond of flogging myself with quotes that inspire me not to waste my life. I am safe behind that picture. You are safe behind yours. As I chat or write a post on your wall, I am carefully crafting what I want you to hear. Sometimes it doesn’t work. You can’t read my face. You can’t feel my touch. You can’t even hear my voice. As I hit post and send my words through space to your screen, the one that divides you from me, I turn from you to another screen, or to homework, or maybe to a real person sitting beside me. I change the subject. But I don’t want to talk to them. It's too hard.

But there are people I love on facebook. Perhaps those who really care for me will email or call; but then I am leaving the maintenance of our relationship to them, forcing them to meet me where I am. I should go to them. I want to be with them, and they are on facebook. Maybe I should join them.